Time to start clean..

Easter Sunday 2010.

A day that I will not forget anytime soon.

Today marks the one Year anniversary of God calling my Dad back to Him.

Today marks almost the 16mth anniversary of Mike's funeral.

Today also marks the one anniversary alot of my friends never thought I'd see.

6 months in a relationship, that although we've had our fairshare of bumps along the way, we've been closer than ever these past few weeks.

In six months, I have grown in ways I'd never thought possible.

I am more self aware. I am more aware of who I really am, I am aware of who I want to be, I am aware that I am not always perfect (that one kind of slipped my mind), I am aware that although I need to take care of the boys, I need to take care of me too, in order to be a mom to them.

I am more willing to try new things. Modeling has always been something I was interested in, but due to a few facial "issues", I never thought possible, without surgery. I am now with someone who brings out my beauty, flaws and all. And I love it!!

After the loss of Allyn, I disconnected myself from Dennis.

I felt guilty, I felt like I did something to cause the loss. I thought he hated me.

I was wrong. In fact, he loves me more now, than ever.

Losing a child will make or break most relationships.

It made ours stronger. It made us stronger, it brought us back to square one, and we're happy to be together, better, stronger, more apt to listen to each other more.

I will admit I am a "My way or no way" kind of woman. I have always gotten what I want, no matter whether or not it was what I needed.

But now, I am becoming more aware of that hasn't really done me any good. I am learning how to talk about my problems more, and learning how to open up, ever so slowly, to the fact that he's not going anywhere, if he was, he'd been gone long before now.

Why won't I ever forget today?

Because it opened my eyes to just how far I've came in the past few months.

I've had a heck of a year, I've had a long journey placed in front of me, and no matter what I keep on going, head on into this thing called life, not alone, just not with my Spouse there by my side.

I have had to learn how to be both mommy and daddy to two little boys who have no clue what this thing called life is about, I had to become their loving mom while being "the bad guy" from time to time.

I have had to learn how to balance everything (including Grocery shopping) without giving myself a Heartattack (which I've had 2 of this past year alone).

I have had to learn that that saying " A little dirt never hurt." is in fact the truth (boys seem to attract it like velcro for some reason..)..

I have had to learn that boys are going to fall, they are going to get scrapes, and all I can do is kiss their boo boo and let them know "It'll be okay" and hold them while they scream bloody murder (and not fall to pieces myself).

I have had to learn how to hold my head up high, knowing I have the hardest job one person could ever have, and unless people have walked a block in my shoes, they haven't the right to judge me. Most people put in my shoes, would run like heck, but not me, I've stuck it out, I have had no other choice. My boys need me, and I need them. We are all we have, and I will not allow anyone or anything to ever change that.

I have had to learn that some people just aren't worth having in your life, and it's best to let them live their lives, and we live ours. I have lost more friends in the past year than I can count, and to be honest, it don't bother me a bit. They were just passer bys on this thing called " Lifes highway" and sooner or later, we'll meet up again, I know this to be true.. I've seen it many times over and over again.

I have had to learn how to balance "Mommy" and " Latosha" all in the same person, who would have thought it was possible to have so many "Titles" all wrapped up into a 5'2" frame?? Not I..

I don't really see the good things I've done, but it helps to know I've done something write, something that made someone else realize just how good they have it, just how blessed they are to have the people they have in their lives, to be where they are in life, and I am glad I can do all of those things, and much more. It's my call in life, to help people, no matter how I do it, I am here to do it..

I seen my mother for the first time since we've been back the other day. I spent Good Friday (night) with her. Yes, I went to our usual hangout, but I had a blast. It was the first time in a while I just had a good time, allowed myself to laugh, to cry, to remember the person I use to be and who I am now. Let me tell you, I've came aloooooooooong way baby!! She is my mother, no matter whether we see eye to eye (which isn't common), whether or not I agree with the way raised me (I'm still alive aren't I?), she gave me life, she gave me what she could and she did the best she could.

I am starting clean. I have buried the person I use to be, the person I didn't care for very much, and I have brought back to life the person I know I can be, slowly.. It'll be a little while before I am totally back to that person I once was (it's a good thing, don't worry), but I know I can do it. Look at what I've overcame these past 15mths!!! If I can overcome the deaths of my husband & my dad (in 4mths span), I can overcome anything/become anyone I want to be! I'm one determined woman, that's for sure.

So, I will be posting more notes about this new journey into self awareness. Just how far I will get, only God knows, but I know it'll be an interesting journey, when have you ever known my life to be boring??!?! I mean really, this is me..lol

I love my boys, I love my true/real friends, and I am one blessed/lucky lady.