Now What?

Monday, March 29, 2010 at 3:39pm | Edit Note | Delete
I just got a call I've been wanting to happen, but at the same time I didn't.

My regular OB called me and told me, as gently as possible, that after all the bloodwork, testing,etc he had done, that I did in fact have a pregnancy. Had I asked him. He went on to inform me that I had been pregnant, not in my tubes, but in the uterus, but the baby had somehow decided to drop out (his wording) and passed away a few days before my last HCG test. We talked in detail about what I had been doing, how much stress I was under, the whole nine. Things that could have led to a miscarriage.

Let's see, I just moved back from NY, My mother had a heart attack, I was losing my house, trying to care for 2 kids, and trying to sort through everything my dad/Mike had left behind. Yeah, I'd say stress was a major factor of life for me.

He went on to tell me that although I had lost her (yes the testing showed a girl), if I wanted to try (um yeah not happening) again, it was not in my best interest( given my history). I am not in any hurry to go through this again.

I've sat here in a daze. I knew I lost the baby, I knew I was pregnant, but to find out that my surprise baby was in fact growing just fine, then God (or someone) decided to take her away from, well let's just say I am not the happiest camper right now. I am mad, I am upset, I am hurt, I am confused, but most of all I am thankful. Yes, thankful. Thankful I got to become pregnant, most women like me don't (tubal), and now I have to pick up and move forward, slowly as possible.

Dennis and I had started to pick out names, we did the registry thing, and all for nothing.

We had just started getting use to the fact that we were going to have another baby around, all for nothing.

We decided that after losing her (my doctor says about 3weeks ago), we are not going to test fate again. We have put our relationship on ice for a bit. We're to lost right now to know which way to go from here, let alone try and make life long plans.

The name we picked:

Allyn Elise(form of Elizabeth) O'Sullivan.

I am going to be honest, as sadden as I am about losing another child, I truly believe God knew what He was doing. He must've known Allyn was going to be " To precious for earth" and took her before there was anything we could do about it. I am not mad at God, I believe in His wisdom to know what I can/can not handle, and to possibly add another Special Needs child to my life right now, would be the last straw. I would've loved her nonetheless, but God must've known something we did not.

For now, I mourn. I cry, I wonder, I try to get my head wrapped around this, but the one thing I do not do is blame God or anyone else. It happens, and I just happen to be the one it happened to, this time.

I see pregnant women that were about as far along as I was when Allyn passed and I have to admit I'm sad, I see pregnant women that are as far along as I should be, I cry. I see pregnant women who don't know just how much I would give to be in their shoes, to feel the nausea, to feel the cramps, to feel the acid reflux, to see the u/s pictures, and yet they act like it's no big deal, it makes me sick, it ticks me off, it makes me want to jack slap them so hard their brains rattle, but I walk away.

Why did it take this long to find out?

Simple, my Ob went on Vacation. Yes, people he actually took 2 weeks of his own time to spend with his family. He deserves it, I know this first hand. I trust him, and I know he'd never tell me anything that wasn't at least half truthfull. He was there when I lost Branden, and he was there when Hunter was born. Both times, he held my hand when I couldn't decide what to do. The man is AWESOME! Do I hate him for making me wait? No, I thank him. YES I SAID THANK HIM!! I thank him for allowing me time to try and get out of my own head, and giving me time to try figure out what it is next..

Now I know. Now I can try and figure out what to do next.


The chapter of my life known as " Surprise baby" is now closed.

Thank you all for reading this, comments aren't required, as most of you won't know what to say, and I am okay with that. A simple "Like" is fine, at least I know you read it..

Walking a mile in my shoes right now is harder than ever.. But I'm trying my best to remain the strong willed woman God made me to be.

I believe/trust God and ONLY God knew why Allyn was taken from us.

I trust that He alone can answer all of my questions.

I believe that in His time, God will open my womb and place a child there. And not until He knows I am ready.

It is in Him I put my life/trust/love right now. It is Him alone that can help me to heal, to mourn, to move on.