I'm a widow, and?!?!

I wrote this over five months ago. Remember I wasn't always a "single mom" it just happened to turn out this way.
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I have finally figured out how to put this into words. Know that this is nothing more than my opinion, nothing more. nothing is to be taken personally, it's my choice to put my business out there for ya'll to read, and I know that some won't understand why I choose to put it out there, if you know me, you know I have nothing to hide from anyone.

I remember the day, it was December 9th 2008. It was a cold but sunny Winter day in Michigan. I remember standing there thinking " Why me God!? WTF did I ever do to deserve this?" but knowing me, I kept this to myself. I smiled so no one would see the breakdown I was having on the inside. I put together the last 20 yrs of his life, I put together the past 4 years of our lives, I put together a CD of his all time favorite music, I put everything together, but inside I was falling apart. Nothing could've kept my mind straight that day.

People started to arrive. " I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything we can do, we will." 35 people said that, 35 people signed his book, his "boys" (slang for friends btw) showed up, his ex showed up, my family showed up, his family showed up. Then it happened, I saw the first picture of us together, and that tough bitch exterior came crumbling down like the Berlin Wall (just a little faster). I about dropped to my knees, I had to hold unto the casket to keep from falling. I put my arms around him, and said " Until we meet again baby." I looked at the face that I loved to see every morning. I then felt a hand on my shoulder " Tosh, Buddy's here." OH BTW Buddy NEVER went to FUNERALS!! I looked around and had to hold unto him like there was no one around. " Thank you Bud." He looked into my eyes and I'm sure he saw the fear in mine. Fear of being alone, Fear of not having Mike here anymore, Fear of what was to come. He looked at me and said something like " It's okay Tosh. Mike's better now. No more pain."

I remember that day for more than just one reason. It was the first day of my life Mike hadn't been there to keep my sanity straight. It was the first day of the rest of my life without him there to put a smile on my face. To make me laugh by making an ass out of himself, just for the hell of it. It was the first time in four years I had to know that "Goodbye" was the only word I could utter. It was the first day of my life that I felt like I'd never be complete again. It was the day I'd have to be " Single with children" and have to get use to the "looks" that came with people.

People treat you differently when they hear the word "Widow/er". They think it's like some type of disease or something. They avoid you, they avoid talking to you, they walk across the street to avoid you, they are as scared as you are, but they don't want you to know that. The looks are different too. The "looks" went from happy to "aww that poor soul".

Well, I am glad you feel so much pity, but I don't need it.


My husband died, yes, but my life is going on. I am going on, my children are well adjusted human beings, and no I don't have the PLAGUE!! I am a widow, I lost my husband, I lost the love of my life, but I didn't ask for this. I didn't wake up and ask God to take him. He decided it was best for Mike. He took him home to rest, to be with those before. This has showed me that I can in fact be a stronger person than most thought (including me).

So, when approaching a Widow/er, please don't treat us like we have a disorder. We're human, we're just one less partner than most people. Love will make us heal, words will hurt us (just like everyone else). Don't try and act like you have to avoid them "hard questions". If you don't know what to ask, don't. Just talk to us like you would every other human you come into contact with.