Day 1 of the new start.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long while, I took sometime for me. To shower, to brush my teeth, to brush my hair, to do my makeup, to do whatever I felt would make me feel better about myself. I took care of the boys first, but I still got time to myself. It felt awesome. To be able to sit in my room and just drink coffee while the boys played in their room, or watched Cartoons,it was an awesome feeling to know that I am starting to take care of me and them, without having a panic attack.

I sit here typing this and I think "why didn't I do this earlier?" To be honest, it was because I thought I had to live my life according to someone else's standards. To live my life to fit someone else's expectations of me, and that is why I ended up in the ER twice in a span of 2 weeks for Heart related issues.

I have also started the job of cleaning out my friends lists on Facebook. I don't really stay in touch with some of them, I just figured since we had something in common, I'd add them. That has came back to bite me in the rump. I don't get the updates I want to see, and all I seem to get are a few (about 2 handfuls) of people who actually follow my life. So, starting this afternoon, I'm clearing out most of my friends, I have been putting it off, but I can't any longer.

I have also started doing my homework on having my Tubal reversed. Why? Because I was raised that to believe God was in control of the number of children we had, not some Medical Moron. I was forced into having it done, and have regretted it everyday for the past two years. I see people that have had babies they didn't want, babies that they'd never love, and they think they have the right to complain to me about "how hard it is", well DUH what'd you think it was going to be, EASY?!?! Not on your life.

I've started to wonder about some people. I have given birth 6 times in my life, I have lost a handful of babies, and yet people with 2 kids want to say they have a "Large Family." No, you have what Society calls the " American Family." 2 kids isn't "large" it's typical, it's not that mundane to have two children, you don't get looked at like you are out of your ever loving mind. I, on the other hand, get asked all the time " You do know what causes that, right?" Yes I do, a belief in GOD, maybe you should try it sometime, it'll do you some good, believe me.

I am not a religious freak. I don't walk around thinking I walk on water, but I do have a strong belief in God/Higher Power. I am living proof that Faith can make mole hills out of mountains, that living by pure faith can get you through the hardest of times, that Faith is not knowing, but believing.

I'm not perfect, I don't strive to be. I don't ever want to be. I want to live a simple life, loving my boys, loving myself, and living to better suit us, not the rest of the world. I am happy with the way my life is now, and I don't see my changing anything to suit everyone else, ever!